Bears

This isn't really a rant, more of a wish to destroy something, hence the category. So Sunday night I watched Star Wars. Not "Episode IV", not "A New Hope", simply Star Wars, before Lucas Diablo figured he could make some sequels. A few things sprang to mind as I watched this film. First, there isn't any CGI. At all. All the special effects are done with stop-motion, models, painting on actual film, etc. The classic techniques that had served film makers for 70+ years. Since the ships were actually models, i.e. physical things, they looked real. The Millennium Falcon, as it is flying by on the screen, looks dirty and banged up. You can see the actual texture of the hull. Granted, I realized during the film that it was just a model (you can tell if you pay close attention), but I still bought it anyway. It didn't bother me that the special effects weren't "that special", mostly because they were there to tell a story. Part of the story involves space travel and battles in space between ships, so of course these things were included. I also watched Revenge of the Sith right after Star Wars. In the opening scene, we see a fantastic CGI space battle that is about as entertaining as watching paint dry. There is nothing engaging about this fight, even though it looks pretty awesome. There's no story, no soul, and the CGI, while amazing from a technical standpoint, seems to be there simply to say "hey look at this cool space battle I made on my computer". I'm going to ignore the part where R2D2 essentially jumps out of the ship after landing...

The second thing that I thought about was the dialogue. It's the same stilted, unnatural language in both films, but in Star Wars I believe it. When Han Solo talks to Obi-Wan in the cantina, I completely buy the conversation. It never really crosses my mind that this couldn't happen, even though the premise is extremely ludicrous in reality. Contrast this with what Anakin says during the first few minutes of Sith, and it's obvious that good acting can make up for a crappy script. Not that the SW script is even bad at all. The Sith script isn't really, either, but the way the characters speak, move and interact with each other is so unnatural that I really have a hard time watching the movie. The way the jedi are portrayed makes them chumps, and that really pisses me off. Obi-Wan offers to buy some jackass a drink in the cantina to placate him, the jackass refuses so Obi-Wan opens up and kills him and his dumbass friend. In Sith and other movies, they jedi act like stupid fucking robots who have some damn "code" that doesn't allow them to do things that make perfect sense in the context of the situation. Maybe it's just because Alec Guinness was a great actor that I believe every line he speaks, that's entirely possible. But it also has a lot to do with how the other characters act and react to him. Luke is a whiny bitch, but still defers to Obi-Wan as a mentor and a wiseman. Han thinks he's just some old idiot, but he still acts somewhat respectful around him because even Han has a modicum of manners. And the jokes...the humor in SW is entirely character driven. Two people can tell the same joke and it can be hilarious from one dude and suck from another. The jokes in Sith suck, because the characters deliver them with poker faces and no passion whatsoever. The worst part is I actually liked Sith; it was definitely the best of the prequels but it still falls pretty flat, even in general.

Now, on to the "Greedo shoots first" crap. Look, Han Solo is not a fucking chump. He is a goddamn cowboy who punks out a stupid bounty hunter who is too stupid to kill him and talks instead. This is CLASSIC in the genre; happens in every single James Bond film, to superheroes, in fantasy novels, etc. You set the hero in a situation of "certain death", then have the villain chortle for a bit. This gives the hero enough time to escape, kill the villain, whatever. Han Solo shot that stupid Greedo fuck, adhering to the genre. Lucas aka Satan's Helper decides to change this so that Greedo shoots first and Han has no choice but to kill him. This is idiotic on two levels. The first being that Han is a fucking smuggler, and inherently a criminal. He is used to this sort of thing, and probably has his life threatened on a daily basis. If some jackass pulls a gun on him, he shoots first and asks questions later. Second, it makes Han's reappearance at the end of the film less dramatic. It's not that Han is totally unfeeling in the beginning of the movie, but he is fairly pragmatic given his situation. He doesn't want to get involved, even though he hates the Empire. This is, again, typical cowboy/outlaw behavior. He's not a bad guy, just lives on the fringes of society. And, again, this fits the genre; eventually he realizes he can't be selfish anymore and helps someone else out. It's character development. Lucas throws that shit out the window because he wants us to know Han is a good guy all along. Well, of course he's a good guy, he just deals with a lot of unsavory characters. Han is in no way "morally ambiguous" in the beginning. He simply chooses to do morally ambiguous things for whatever reason he personally has (money I imagine). Lucas then changes the scene so Greedo and Han shoot simultaneously. This is even more retarded. How the fuck can Greedo miss from pointblank range? He's a bounty hunter? Talk about inept. Han is like Clint Eastwood, and there's no way he'd let some dumbass shoot him while he sits at a table. Blast that bitch into oblivion. Okay, I'm done with this. There are 40 billion webpages dealing with this same topic, and there doesn't really need to be another.