Rants

Relevant link: http://www.feministing.com/archives/015000.html

Yep, you knew it was coming...I just had to make a comment about this shit. See, I personally don't give one fuck about Miss California's comments. She's in a beauty pageant, not the US Senate. Some fucktard asks a purposefully political question because that's the sort of crap he's known for: causing problems. Yes, Perez Hilton is simply a douchebag who enjoys saying shit to get a rise out of people. I understand why he gets off to it as I like doing the same thing, but Hilton's agenda is much more sinister than the old Digital Barbarian's. Plus, he sucks because he's entirely politically motivated based on money. He makes money by being inappropriate and not having any manners. That's the definition of an asshole. No matter how much I rant on here, I don't go to people in public and make a mockery of them out of pure greed. Anyway, enough of the digression. So Miss California says she doesn't support gay marriage. Sounds fine to me. She was asked a stupid question, gave an honest answer, and now is catching hell for it. See, I thought these girls were SUPPOSED to be honest and not adhere to some stupid politically correct agenda, but apparently they're actually supposed to be idiotic puppets who will win at any cost. I'm sure the girl knew that saying an "unpopular" answer (in quotes because the vast majority of the people in this country subscribe to the same view, including the voters in her home state) might result in her not winning, but so what? At least she had enough integrity not to spout off some bullshit in order to win a contest. Anyone saying shit about her needs to shut the fuck up. Give the girl props for being in front of millions of people and saying what she knew might cause a little bit of strife.

Okay, now before I tackled the link above, let me cover a few facts:

1) Marriage is, by definition, only possible between a man and a woman. Before you email me with some stupid bullshit, remember that marriage is essentially a contract between two people who are joining two families and will eventually pass on property, titles, names, etc. to their progeny. Gay dudes and dykes can't have kids together, which means marriage isn't relevant to them. Historically, religiously, traditionally, whatever, that's what marriage is. The erosion of morality in our society has opened the door for things like in vitro, sperm banks, adoption by gay couples and whatever. Just because those things exist in no way invalidates the definition of marriage. Being able to clone someone doesn't magically make eugenics morally permissible.

2) Miss California MUST disapprove of gay marriage by virtue of her faith. Anyone with the same belief system as her who advocates gay marriage is simply a hypocrite. Admonishing her because she follows traditional and religious views is about as bigoted as you can get. If her answer was anything else, she would have been lying and also not adhering to her religion. To be quite honest, she seems to be a respectable individual given the situation and how she acted.

Alright...now to the idiot feminists. All quotes pulled from the above link.

"Her answer was homophobic because she advocated denying gay people the right to get married."

Gay people can get married, they just have to marry someone of the opposite sex like everyone else. Heterosexual people cannot marry people of the same sex, either. Are their "rights" being denied? I have a lot of issues with the inherent illogic of this statement, but I think what pisses me off the most is the idea that a "right" is being denied. Who the fuck decided that marriage was a right? I don't understand that one. Marriage, again by definition, has nothing to do with love, romance, picking out china or going to fucking Walmart together. It's about creating a situation that allows a viable family to be produced. People who cannot produce viable families should be denied marriage. There's no "right" being violated. The fucking feminist morons in the US have decided that anything they want to do is their "right", regardless of consequence. Except, of course, if they don't like it. They support gay "marriage" as a right, but dudes who want to fuck 12 year old girls, well, they're just rapists, even if the girls want to fuck the dudes. Hey, aren't their rights being violated? Shut the fuck up about rights, fattyists. You don't have a clue what you're fucking talking about. Also, I like how this girl is somehow homophobic because she doesn't want marriage to be degraded and diluted to a meaningless phrase. Yeah, well, apparently you're not allowed to have a differing opinion from one of the fattyists because that makes you a homophobic racist bigot. Fattyists: look up bigot in the dictionary. That's you. Also, "open minded". That means doing what they like, it surely doesn't mean having an opinion but not bothering people about what they do if you don't approve. Do any of these idiots have the capacity for rational thought?

"I think the whole idea of beauty pageants is ridiculous"

Why? Oh yeah, I forgot...fattyist. Every single fucking fattyist on Earth hates hates hates beauty pageants because they "objectify women". That's what they say, but I know the real reason: they are fat, ugly and annoying. You have to be attractive with a nice personality to win a beauty pageant; no fattyist is any of these things. So, of course, pageants are a waste of time, money, etc. They should be outlawed, right? Fattyists would like nothing more than a ban on pageants, but wouldn't that make them hypocrites for stomping all over someone else's "right" to compete? No, see, fattyist logic dictates that whatever THEY want to do is good and whatever THEY hate is bad. It's a pretty good philosophy, one that famous, powerful dudes like Hitler and Stalin promoted.

In conclusion, fattyists have been logically proven to be fascist fucks with disgusting bodies, faces and minds.

I few posts ago, I bitched about feminism, specifically how "educated" feminists were still idiots but used their college degrees to shield moronic views from scrutiny. Case in point: The Adventures of Dr. Diana York Blaine. This idiot fancies herself as a "philosopher, writer, adventurer, bon vivant and buttkicker". Bon vivant? Whatever, maybe she drinks expensive wine or something, but philosopher? Writer? Adventurer? I suppose since she has a blog, that technically makes her a writer, and since she probably spent at least one second considering what she was going to write about that makes her a philosopher...what about adventurer? No clue what the fuck that's supposed to imply, but I seriously doubt she goes on big game hunts in Africa or navigated the Amazon river, searching for lost pygmy tribes. Anyway, take a look at the example questions she poses on her "About" page:

Should you shave under your arms?
Should you get married?
Should you get plastic surgery?
Should you buy an SUV?
Should you watch The Bachelor?
Should you join a sorority?
Should you go to church?
Should you wear make-up?
Should you keep your boyfriend?
Should you go on a diet?
Should you douche?

Riveting! I was reading The Republic just last week, and Glaucon posed the question of douching to Socrates right after asking about dieting. Surely these are questions long discussed in the annals of philosophical thought.

I was going to write a lot about how all the posts on her website were devoid of any reason or logic, but that should be apparent just from the fact that she has a PhD in English, teaches Feminist Theory and lives in California. Oddly enough, from the pictures I saw, she doesn't look that fat, but she made allusions to having a husband who I can only assume is the biggest pussy alive. Possible she might be XXY.

Reference Point

Let us be perfectly frank with each other, fatties: you despise me and I could care less about you. But, Sven, you exclaim, all you do is insult and berate us, how can you say you care not for our corpulent vessels of filth? Fatties, unto you I do decree a simple warning which is to leave me the fuck alone. I don't give a fuck about women's basketball, it's an irrelevant non-sport. Do I hate it? Nay, for that would require some emotion be shown, and I have zero interest, thus I never consider women's basketball. Sometimes women's basketball is on instead of the NFL or NBA or pretty much anything, so I curse a bit at my fate. There is no emotion other than "This fucking crap is keeping me from being entertained". Thus, my indifference is challenged and I am actively opposed which results in a bit of venom. Do you understand this analogy?

Fatties, however, are consumed with me, and people like me, who advocate fitness and personal responsibility for one's appearance. They maintain that 1) they are not fat and 2) being fat isn't unhealthy. Everyone knows obesity is a fucking health risk; everyone. Let me reiterate that point: EVERYONE KNOWS OBESITY IS A HEALTH RISK. Fatties are lying to themselves with point #1 as they realize this fact. Further, they are contradicting their own admission of non-fatness by stating #2 because they know they are fat and thus try to justify it. Well, fatties, you gotta pick one and only one, this is not a Chinese restaurant and there's only a fucking column A with two choices: attractive and healthy or fat and unhealthy. This line of reasoning by the fatties harkens back to a Golden Age of stupidity that arose with the Women's Movement, as I touched on in my previous post. Feminism states that women are fat and that's healthy because they want it to be healthy or else they couldn't possibly justify being fat in the first place but they don't even need to justify being fat as fuck anyway because they can do whatever they want and still look sexy because they're women and men, the harbingers of disease, war and pestilence, cannot possibly bring them down. Fatties, you forgot someone: Death.

See, fatties, Death doesn't give a fuck about your ideas, your contradictory statements, your attitude toward a woman's appearance or any of that horseshit. Nope. Death only wants one thing: your fat fucking corpse in a goddamn hole. That's it. Obesity just speeds up the natural process of entropy and decay, bringing you ever more closely to Death with each step, and a much more alarming rate than someone who isn't fat. Is this fundamental fact of reality really that hard to grasp? For some of you, perhaps literal retards and Rainman-types, yes, it is impossible for you to comprehend. Those people are literally too stupid to understand it, and I let them off the hook. If a Downs Syndrome kid is fat, well, I'm not going to say shit because he has too many problems to begin with, much less trying to comprehend why being fat as fuck is bad. His parents, however, yeah, fuck them for letting the kid be fat and unhealthy. I digress. Anyway, to the rest of the fat fucks out there, of course you understand that obesity is bad. We've already establish that it's a fact, so either you're denying it or literally don't give a fuck. I'll examine both camps.

Don't Give a Fuck
John Candy didn't give a fuck that he was fat; I talked about this a while back. Actually, he started to give a fuck before he died because he knew he probably should, but he died anyway and that sucks because he kicked total ass. A lot of fat dudes really don't care. They know it's bad and seriously just don't give one fuck about it. I have known fat guys who, even if given the opportunity to look like Brad Pitt, would turn it down simply because they did not care. It's a little hard for me to understand that, but to them I say kudos. It has got to be awesome not to give a shit about how you look or how long you live or whatever, because honestly, doing that shit too much makes your dick turn into a vagina and that sucks. I've yet to meet a woman who literally did not care about what she looked like, much less her weight. Any woman who says she doesn't give a fuck about her weight is a liar or has an extra chromosome somewhere (cf. earlier about retards).

Denial
Enter all the fat women and feminists. Well, they're the same damn thing so we can just call them fattyists and be done with it. Fattyists hold on to one bullshit "truth" that is passed down from generation to generation: being fat is a gift. Yes, that's fucking right, a gift from God Almighty. First, this idea needs to be extirpated from face of the Earth, but unfortunately for us normal jackasses, it is perpetuated by icons of fattyism such as Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah. By thinking that being fat is not only good, but actually great, fattyists can deny their health problems all they want without fear of the consequences. If God wanted them to be fat, who are they to argue. They further justify this belief with a few other bullshit reasons, all of which are retarded as fuck, but the primary being it's hard not to be fat. Look, it's only hard not to be fat because you have no self control, you stupid fat fucks. If you think "lifestyle changes" mean not eating doughnuts and enchiladas for a couple months, try taking an acid bath in Nazi Germany. Lifestyle changes are monufuckingmental, they are not trivial things like passing up a breakfast burrito. Yes, trivial. It is trivial as you have 100% control whether you eat the burrito or do not. Stop denying you're fat and then contradicting your own statements by saying being thin is hard. You're full of shit on both counts.

As an aside: genetic predisposition is the biggest bullshit excuse ever. How about I claim I'm genetically predisposed to rape? Would that fly? No, because I can still fucking choose to rape a bitch or not. Same with alcoholism, drug abuse, and anything else. Being fat is not exempt from the laundry list of bad shit people do and try to weasel out of taking responsibility for. Obesity is a very real physical problem and treating it like some fucking social issue not only cheapens the accomplishment of individuals who seek physical fitness but makes it impossible to rectify. If you don't want to be called a fat fucking slob, shut your mouth. It'll keep the food out and make you a nicer person because we won't have to hear the fattyist rhetoric.

Listen/watch to this if you can. I couldn't for more than a couple minutes. Now, read the post/comments. Does that make ANY sense to you whatsoever?

First of all, Phil Donahue is a fucking elitist idiot. He's also an idealistic dumbass who lives in a fantasyland where all the malevolent dictators of the world are actually Jesus-incarnate and everyone deserves handouts from the government for being stupid as fuck and not working. The fact that some daft woman wants to idolize Donahue is just icing on the shit-flavored cake.

This video angers me on a lot of levels, but the primary being the notion that somehow Donahue is "standing up for America" when in reality he's taking a shit all over the Constitution. This country was founded on one premise: liberty. How the hell is being baby-sat by the government promoting that cause? His diatribe about some passenger plane being shot down is pure bullshit. If you don't want to die, don't go into no-fly zones. It's pretty simple. This reminds me of the court marshals of US Marines for their alleged murder of unarmed Iraq combatants. Well, if you don't want to get killed, don't go into a warzone. Of course the Iraqi was armed, he just so happened to be dumb enough not to have his weapon on his person when shot. So he's an idiot on multiple levels, the primary being that he fucked with some Marines.

Ivory Tower fuckface assholes...I've dealt with a lot of them during my time in graduate school. They think that because they have a modicum of education this somehow makes them more able to deal with important decisions and that mere plebs who work in steel mills and watch football are too fucking stupid to manage their own money. Alright, some blue collar workers probably are dumb and can't save a dime, but who cares? It's their fucking money, and if they fail, they fail of their own accord. If they succeed, they succeed based on their own blood, sweat and tears. No one owes them shit, especially not the tax payers of America. Collegiate superstars with no real-world experience cannot possibly dictate a proper course of action because their heads are far too up the asses of moronic thinkers like Marx and Nietzsche. Anyone who finds one lick of truth in postmodern thought is not only illiterate, but deserving nothing but the most swift of deaths. Every single principle of socialism/communism/existentialism has been shown, IN PRACTICE, to be an idealistic pipe dream. Why do these idiots hold to their supposed "truths" like Linus to a fucking blanket? I'll tell you: because they are idiots. Yes, it's that simple. Overeducation with no experience to place that education in context has created a whole class of people who are functionally inept in every capacity. Somehow, these same individuals are the ones in the driver's seat, steering us into oblivion.

So what does all this have to do with feminism, you ask? Overeducation and feminism go hand-in-hand. Feminism is nothing more than the stupidification of our society. No matter how many studies are done that show women cannot perform at the same level as men in most professional capacities, feminism pushes for women in the workplace. No matter how much you demonstrate that men have a greater capacity for logical thinking than women, feminism says that "girls can do it better". What? Meaningless shit. But, again you ask, how do these things correspond to one another. Alright, basically, ever since women have been allowed to go to college, they've gotten big heads. They honestly think education somehow makes them smarter, when in reality, it simply makes them think their fucking retarded ideas have merit. It also applies to any idiot who goes to college and listens to some liberal jackass professor rant about how socialism is such a wonderful idea before driving home in his $100k Mercedes to his bigass house paid for on his overinflated salary. A lot of Hollywood actors have taken this a step further and assume that if they're popular, their opinion matters and in some fucked up way they're smarter than you. Wow, that's nice, I didn't know pretending to be a doctor was better than being an actual doctor.

Look, fuck feminism. They're simply morons who want to be equal but really want to be privileged people. You cannot claim men and women need to be treated equally then complain about all the bad crap that happens when you're not treated with privilege. Socialism, feminism, it's all the same bullshit, perpetuated by fucking hippies from the 60s and 70s. Ladies, get back in the fucking kitchen and put on your apron. There's nothing wrong with admitting you can't think logically well enough to make the hard decisions. If you think I'm simply being a dick, ponder this: why the fuck do women cry at work, over work-related crap? I'm not talking about working in the emergency room and seeing a 4 year old die from gunshot wounds, I'm talking about crying over an email where the boss says you did a crap job on a proposal. Well whoopdefuckingdo, drink a fucking beer and cuss a bit like every other guy on Earth does. No one cries over a fucking job except people unable to deal with the harsh reality that it sucks a cock. Fuck feminists and their moronic ideas that have no substance nor foundations in reality.

I feel like a broken record. Every day, it seems, I bitch about fatties, yet their numbers are legion and ever increasing. Well, that's fine, whatever, I don't care. Fatties exist and they grow larger by number and girth. As long as I don't have to deal with them, we can co-exist. Perhaps not peacefully, but I'll stay out of their way at the buffet line and they can kindly not show up to my favorite bars and request free drinks.

Now, however, the fatties have broken the uneasy truce with the Digital Barbarian, and his axe will fall soundly and cleave a ham sandwich from fat fucking fingers. It was brought to my attention that an organization exists called the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance (NAAFA) and they even have their very own website, filled with meaningless bullshit. What, Sven, are you kidding? Surely you are not serious. No, goddammit, I am 100% serious and thus the rage has increased beyond reproach. See, it's one thing to say that being fat sucks and you don't like being made fun of; I get it. I was a little portly as a kid and got called all sorts of names. It didn't help that I also wore glasses and was somewhat of a nerd. Eventually, though, I discovered that being intelligent was an asset, contacts were easy to wear and playing sports could eliminate the belly. So, yes, being bullied sucks, but guess what? It just made me a better person. All those fucks who made fun of me are probably washing cars somewhere with massive beer bellies, living in a trailer park. Fuck 'em, I did better BECAUSE of the abuse, I didn't crawl into a fucking hole and whine about how I was being pushed around. As an aside, I did get into fights with the neighborhood kids from time to time, and won quite a few, so even back then I was well versed in defending myself from assholes. Alright, my life story aside, why do these fat fucks need some sort of "acceptance" for their obvious problems? Being fat is a problem, it's not something that is physiologically viable. Is alcoholism viable? No, which is why AA exists. Obesity is a major problem in this country, and this NAAFA sort of bullshit simply wants to perpetuate the problem as if it is social, not physical.

Fat people are discriminated against in all aspects of daily life, from employment to education to access to public accommodations, and even access to adequate medical care. This discrimination occurs despite evidence that 95 to 98 percent of diets fail over five years and that 65 million Americans are labeled “obese.” Our thin-obsessed society firmly believes that fat people are at fault for their size and it is politically correct to stigmatize and ridicule them. Fat discrimination is one of the last publicly accepted discriminatory practices. Fat people have rights and they need to be upheld!

That little gem is from the website. How fucking asinine is that? Rhetorical question, but I'll tell you: it's like making a sequel to Baby Geniuses. So fucking stupid you cannot even contemplate it, yet it exists. Let's dissect this statement and ignore the rest of the website, mostly because I got so pissed reading the first couple pages I couldn't finish.

Fat people are discriminated against
Yep. Get the fuck over it. Everyone is discriminated against in some capacity, learn to deal with that fact and stop whining like a stupid fuck. The real problem here is that the discrimination is implied to be unwarranted. How so? Shouldn't insurance companies be discriminatory toward individuals who are higher risk? How the hell can these idiots possibly convince me that, in light of the countless medical studies, being obese isn't a medical problem? What the fuck ever. If I was selling doughnuts, you can bet your ass I'd discriminate against skinny people and target the fatties as customers. It's just good business. As an aside, I remember an anecdote about a woman being charged for two seats on an airplane because she literally took up two seats. She said that was discrimination as she was fat. Well, sorry, airlines make money per asses in seats, and if your fucking ass takes up two seats, then you need to pay double.

95 to 98 percent of diets fail over five years
"Diets". Alright, that's compelling. The people who go on "diets" are the same people who are fat. Diets take self control and fatties obviously have none in the first place. What makes them think they can stick to a diet? A lot of these diets are unrealistic, sure, but some of the more ridiculous ones consist of eating 1200 calories a day and avoiding sugar. Wow, that's so horrid!

65 million Americans are labeled “obese.”
This number is alarming, first of all, but I'm wondering what their point is. Are 65 million Americans simply mislabeled as being obese? No, see, they actually are fat as fuck. Just because a lot of people are fucking fat and unhealthy doesn't mean it's good. This is called appeal to common practice, and is a stupid fucking fallacy idiots use when they don't understand logic. Apparently fatties have no capability to use logic and instead must justify their fatness in whatever method they can.

Our thin-obsessed society
Seriously, who the fuck likes fat women? I'm sure there are a few dudes who are into fat chicks, and there are also dudes into donkey fucking and burning themselves with candle wax to get off. I was in Europe not long ago, and guess what? There aren't any fat people over there. Are Eurotards "thin-obsessed"? No, they are simply normal. Being fat as hell isn't normal, get the fuck over it.

fat people are at fault for their size
Wait, when did we have state-mandated eating? Are you required to eat, fatty? Last time I checked, if caloric intake was higher than caloric usage, you got fat. So, basically, math is biased against fatties. I suppose this can be lumped in with discrimination, but in this case it's the laws of physics instead of an individual doing it.

politically correct to stigmatize and ridicule them
I'm never one to promote political correctness, but if this was the case, then yeah, sounds great to me. In fact, it's exactly the opposite and fatties are now fucking revered as demigods. 100% true, watch any talkshow or Oprah or whatever.

Fat discrimination is one of the last publicly accepted discriminatory practices.
Oh, except, you know, against everyone...for anything. Are these fucking people living in the same world I am?

Fat people have rights and they need to be upheld!
Okay, so I have been holding back, but now the venom shall spew. What FUCKING RIGHTS are being fucking violated? Name one fucking right. The right not to have people be disgusted by your fat fucking ass? The right to eat as much as you want and balloon to epic proportions and then bitch about not being able to find your size in a bikini? The right to low insurance rates even though you're 5 times more likely to suffer from a heart attack? The right to literally consume more resources than is reasonable for two people, combined? How the fuck is fattyism justified in this day and age of economic recession and consumer awareness, i.e. trying to be "green"? How the fuck are fatties helping the environment by using more food, water and electricity than anyone else? Fuck you, fucking fat fucks. Seriously, fuck you. You do not have "thyroid" conditions. Thyroid problems don't have any fucking thing to do with doughnut consumption. Start taking responsibility for being social rejects because of your own personal issues. If you don't want to be bullied or discriminated against, why not DO something about it like stop eating and perhaps work out? Just like all fatty excuses, I already know what this one will be, and it will be predicated upon the idea that other people should accommodate some stupid fuck simply because they have no self-control or self-worth.

In closing, fuck fatties and their fat ideas.

I rarely, if ever, give a crap about what other people spend their money on. It's their money, they should be able to waste it in whatever manner they see fit. However, I have a serious problem with reviews of televisions I see plastered all over the internet, namely regarding speakers. If you're buying a television, the last thing on your mind should be how good the speakers sound when watching movies or 5.1 surround sound or listening to music or whatever the fuck. Okay, look, television speakers exist to produce sound, and are manufactured in such a way as to give the best possible listening experience for dialogue. This means tv speakers are ideal for the Discovery channel, PBS, NBC Nightly News and a lot of stupid sitcoms. They are completely unideal for anything else, meaning if you listen to cable radio through your tv speakers, it will probably sound like shit. What is so fucking difficult to understand about this? I'm by no means an audiophile, but some of the "home theatre" setups I've seen are laughable. $50 speaker system with a $20 Walmart radio/cd-player combo. You really think that sounds good? Fuck no, it does not. Back to the televisions, seriously, stop rating lower simply because the speakers are only "adequate" for music. Adequate? Holy fuck, adequate for music is about a billion times better than I'd ever expect out of a television because my expectation is "sounds like ass". It's really not THAT expensive to get a decent setup, either. If you're dropping $1500 on a new 52" LCD, why not spend another grand on a decent receiver and some low-end speakers? Hell, get a smaller tv, maybe 46", spend the cash you saved on a decent Denon or Onkyo or Yamaha setup. Those are inexpensive consumer-grade systems that will sound pretty good for 99% of the people. I'm never going to advocate $20k+ setups unless you are rich and/or doing studio work, but hooking up a fucking clock radio to your television and claiming it's DTS/Dolby/THX/Fuckyamomz is ludicrous.

In short, buy a real fucking stereo and stop bitching about irrelevant shit.

I read a lot of personal ads. A lot. In fact, I read all of the ones published on Craigslist. Call it morbid curiosity, but it passes the time when I'm at work with nothing to do. Why are fat women so delusional about their bodies? Typically, they will not post a picture, but you can spot their hideously obese forms from a mile away due to the language they use.

1) Any mention of "loving their body" will be followed by "I love to workout". Well, if you love your body so much, why bother working out? Every single one of these fatasses just loooooooooooooooves going to the gym, and yet, they enjoy being fat. I won't even try to contemplate the idiotic reasoning behind such ridiculousness.

2) "I'm 5'1" and 200 pounds. I'm not fat, I'm curvy." In what fucking universe is a 5'1" woman not fat at 200 pounds? That sentence was pulled from an actual ad, by the way. Also, "curvy". Marilyn Monroe was curvy, a 200 pound woman is spherical. Get it fucking right.

3) Any mention of cats = insane as hell. Nothing to do with fat, just thought I'd throw that in there.

4) Some of the more honest fat women will call themselves BBWs. This is supposed to mean "Big Beautiful Woman", but I have yet to see any beauty in the faces of these beasts. First of all, fat is inherently unattractive. Ask any girl if they'd rather look like Rosie O'Donnell or Angelina Jolie. Secondly, BBW doesn't mean fat, it means big. Big can imply height, and doesn't always mean girth. BBW just means fat as fuck today, however.

5) Always something about preferring tall, thin guys. Yep. They get to be fat as fuck and you have to be in shape. My guess is they want more meat on their prey when they smother then devour it.

6) "Not looking for sex." Never any sex. Never. Fatties seem to think that desiring sex is a horrid thing. Well, I can safely say that I'd never want to fuck any of these monsters, so maybe they're just preemptively acknowledging that fact.

7) Most of them have kids. And are old. That's a winning combination, right up there with no sex.

There is no 8. (Piss-poor pun, yeah)

9) "Looking for a REAL man". To fatties, being a REAL man means you don't want sex, you like financing a Subway sandwich addiction and you truly enjoy being despised and detested 24 hours a day. Oh, and you have to love fat chicks and their fat fucking friends.

The real conclusion I've come to is that attractive women do not use the internet nor place personal ads as they have no real need to do so. Hence, all personal ads are placed by fat women. You can easily see this for yourself by just asking how fat they are. You'll either get a venom-filled rant or something like "WTF are you talking about!??!!?" Typically the response will be full of grammatical and spelling errors, proving that fatties are not only disgusting but uneducated morons.

After a 9 month hiatus, I am back with a new diatribe. Well, new in the sense that it's new to this website, not new in absolute terms. As some smart Roman dude once said: Nullum est iam dictum quod non dictum sit prius. Irrelevant, as the Digital Barbarian needs to vent.

Have you ever met a nice fat woman? No, you have not. Before you counter with something about "jolly fat people", those are all men. Santa Claus is fat and jolly and a nice guy. He doesn't give a fuck about being fat because he's Santa Claus and loves making people happy. John Candy was jolly and also hilarious. He was fat but who the hell cares? No one. There are a lot of fat comedians. Oliver Hardy and Curly Howard were both fat and also comic legends. No fat woman is a comic legend; in fact, there are no comic legends who are women anyway, but that's beside the point. Fat men can be jolly and fun to be around. Granted, some fat men are just assholes, but a lot of in shape men are assholes. The point remains that fat women are bitches.

It occurred to me that a lot of fat men make up for being physically revolting with comedy and good personalities. Not so with women. 100 years ago, you had to pay a quarter to see a 200 pound woman, and even then you had to wait until summer when the circus was in town. Now, I cannot go two inches without tripping over at least half a dozen 200+ pounders. And they all have wretched personalities. They take no accountability for being fat cows and instead blame men for popularizing an impossible to achieve female image. Yeah, men...even though women's magazines are filled with models wearing overpriced clothes that no woman can ft into. I'll agree with the sentiment that fashion models are a bad idealization of women because they have the figures of 12 year old boys. I am not into that shit. But what about fitness models? What about bikini models? They are awesome, no doubt about it. Ask any woman if she would enjoy looking like Heidi Klum; of course she would. Are men making women feel bad about being fat? No, women are. Skinny girls make fun of their fat friends, who then become lesbians and feminists because they can't get laid except by drunk dudes. This also makes them bitter and thus the horrid personality develops. You really can't blame fat women for being wretched people because anyone who hates themselves cannot love anyone else. That's a fundamental fact of reality. Thus, the self-loathing is projected on those who will not give the fat woman attention: attractive men.

It's strange how feminism and fatty-ism are linked to the hatred of men, but it's true. There are no hot feminists. If you see a hot feminist, she is pretending simply to feel empowered. Were Brad Pitt to suddenly appear and ask her to be his sex slave, her feminist ideas would disappear in a cloud of dust as she dropped to her knees and began sucking Brad's dick. Also, hot girls like having a few fat friends as it reminds them of their own attractiveness. Since all fat women are feminists, and vice-versa, hot girls sometimes humor the fatties with feminist rhetoric and convince them to go to clubs so they can show off by getting picked up by sober dudes with 6-pack abs. The fatties then attempt the cock-block; if unsuccessful, they spout a bunch of stupid shit until some drunk dude asks them to go home with him.

I mentioned that you can't blame the fatties for having horrible personalities, but that's obviously false. Of course you can blame them, they're the ones stuffing their faces with doughnuts. All fat women love to workout and diet. In fact, you cannot talk to a fatty for more than five seconds without her telling you about her diet. This will quickly be followed by some asinine remark about an impossible to achieve body image and a jackass doctor who told her she was fat. I've determined that fat women love exercise because it allows them to indulge to an even great excess without guilt. Guilt is a wonderful thing because it keeps people honest. Without guilt means without conscience, and thus freeing oneself from responsibility. Fatty math dictates that ten minutes on the treadmill at a speed too slow for snails equates to the consumption of an extra dozen doughnuts. Fatty logic also says that thinking about working out is indeed working out, so there's no need to even get on the treadmill whatsoever. Further, feeling bad about something is better than actually doing anything about it in the first place. Instead of feeling bad about eating the doughnuts, the fatty instead feels bad that they didn't use the treadmill and a crisis is averted. Feeling bad about not using the treadmill for twenty minutes is equivalent to at least an hour of actual treadmill use. Now, excuse time to justify the non-exercise to others: there was too much traffic or the car needs gas or Oprah is on. Whatever excuse not to go to the gym and use the treadmill is placed on someone else, thereby alleviating all responsibility. About half an hour after talking themselves out of exercise, the fatty will stand in line for doughnuts and consume them all while bitching to people at Krispy Kreme that they hate men. And thin women, who obviously just "don't understand".

I was just thinking of another hilarious fat man: Sam Kinison. A fat woman who is the antithesis of funny also springs to mind: Rosie O'Donnell. She's also the antithesis of reason and logic, proving that fat women aren't just feminist idiots, they're also illogical morons.

What is it with black people and McDonalds? Last night I saw a commercial for some "southern style" chicken sandwich that had two black women discussing the culinary arts, specifically putting chicken into a paper bag and shaking it. One woman said, "Remember when grandma taught us how to do this?" The other replied, "Yeah, and remember that time the bag broke open and flour went everywhere?" Then they both force a laugh, as if the scenario were extremely detailed and the viewer finds the situation hilarious themselves. Cut to a picture of the sandwich, with a voiceover of how excellent it is, with all those "southern flavors". What the fuck is a "southern flavor" anyway? It's supposed to be analogous to fried chicken, I'm assuming; why not just say that? Well, they have to appeal to the black people who just love fried chicken and whose grandmothers used a paper bag to make it. Apparently, "southern flavor" is code for black people food. After the picture of the sandwich, the commercial goes back to the women, who are now eating McDonald's chicken sandwiches. They decided to not bother with actually cooking any fried chicken. I'm assuming because it's so damn messy, and that one time grandma's bag busted open and the flour got all over her face and she looked like a white woman oh lordy lord! Both are holding the sandwiches in an extremely unnatural fashion, and taking smaller bites than is reasonably possible. The crescendo of this melodrama is when Black Lady 1 says something to the effect of, "Girlfriend, McDonald's has got this chicken in the bag!" and the other echos her comment with a "Mmmm hmmm". You could insert this dialogue into Huckleberry Finn and it'd fit perfectly. I'm surprised they didn't start cutting open a watermelon during this scene and demand reparations for slavery. Their body language makes me think they'll break into gospel songs and start dancing, holding those goddamn sandwiches the whole time. I guess I cannot order one of these sandwiches, as I am not interested in "southern flavor", i.e. acting black, whatever the fuck that means.

So I read Benson's review yesterday, and already make a semi-ranting post anticipating the pile of crap that might be the new Indiana Jones movie. Not having seen the movie, I was basing my hatred for it off of simple conjecture and assumptions. Well, dear reader, I can assure you: I was completely wrong. Whereas before I had a strong dislike for this film, my feelings have become full-blown loathing of an unbridled sort. Yes, Indy survives a nuclear blast, there are fucking aliens (wtf, motherfucking aliens?), stupid ass mummies that aren't even mummies and oh the best part, dialogue that sounds like it was written by a fucking retard who learned to speak by watching really bad acting school dropouts on crack perform Othello. The whole premise of the film is ludicrous from the start. It is literally asinine in concept because, honestly, five dudes guarding Area 51? Five? You know, the place where all the high-tech shit the government keeps from the public is stored. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Oh, and the Russians want something there, yep. This was already covered yesterday, so I won't rehash, but honestly, I was wondering what the fuck they were doing. When the "main villain" appeared I thought I was watching a rerun of Rocky and Bullwinkle because she looked, no joke, exactly like Natasha. Where the fuck is Boris? The accent, wretched. Sure, Indy, she's Ukrainian, I buy that...but whatever, I can deal with hokey bullshit accents and bad haircuts, and I can even deal with the fact that she used a goddamn sword to intimidate Indy. What I can't deal with is the horseshit psychic shit that was implied almost instantly. Are we to believe this chick can read fucking minds? Yes, I understand this movie is fantasy, but it's fantasy embedded in some sort of historical accuracy. This woman appears and starts acting like she's on Psychic Friends Network. I'd prefer to not get into the whole magnetic thing, but to address it now while it's fresh in my mind: why in the beginning of the movie are these fucking skulls ridiculous magnetic to things that contain magnetic metal, suddenly lose all magnetic ability, THEN magnetic to non-magnetic metals? Oh, and then the whole magnetic thing is dropped completely at some point. Except to other pieces of these motherfucking alien skeletons, which are made from quartz or some shit that is so ludicrous it is causing my brain to hemorrhage. Fuck plot holes, these are plot caverns.

Somehow, Indy escapes. You know, to be perfectly honest, I don't give one fuck that he escapes in a stupid fashion, that's fine, he should escape. He's supposed to escape. But then, suddenly, he's being anally probed by the FBI and branded a traitor. We also learn he was a Colonel in WWII. Colonel Jones? Why do I have a hard time accepting that crap? I understand that historically, almost everyone was in the Army at some point during WWII, and a supersmart dude who knows a lot of languages would probably be commissioned by the Army to do translating or something. I get it. But it's Indiana Jones. I just don't see it. Doesn't matter, Colonel Jones it is. Thankfully, this is never ever addressed again. Instead, Indy gets fired because those FBI dudes were harassing the Dean of the school he works for. Alright, we see that the Dean is a great guy and is protecting Indy's job. Then we have a touching moment where Indy reminisces about his father and Marcus Brody. Well, it's really not touching. It reminded me of when, at the end of Attack of the Clones (the dumbest fucking name for a movie ever by the way), Lucas starts playing the Imperial March to bash it into our skulls that hey, these are bad guys! HEY IDIOT MOVIE GOERS DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE OTHER STAR WARS MOVIES I MADE WELL GUESS WHAT HAHA CHECK IT OUT THE CLONES ARE THE MOTHERFUCKING STORMTROPPERS CHECK IT OUT!!!! Yeah, that's what the scene is, that exact same shit. You know, I had forgotten Indy had a father, or that Marcus was the museum curator. Thanks for reminding me about those other three movies, Lucas aka Satan's Helper, I really appreciate it. Oh, then Indy decides fuck it, I'll teach somewhere else. But, thankfully, Mutt Williams, who in reality is Henry Jones III, shows up to tell Indy that he needs his help to save Oxley, some crusty old fucking professor that Indy once butt-fucked in a McDonald's bathroom. Seriously, there isn't any real reason given as to how the characters know each other, so I'll just assume that's what happened; Indy went soft and explored his feminine side for a few years, banged some English dude while they discussed archeology. I really don't care. By this point I was wondering when the movie would end, but alas, I was not treated with the conclusion and instead wished for death, either my own or everyone associated with the production of this pile of shit.

Anyway, Mutt and Indy have a run-in with the Russians and escape on a motorcycle. It's established that Mutt is a greaser, which means he's essentially a douchebag Marlon Brando clone. I swear to you, did Lucas just decide that having Shia LaBeouf dress up exactly like Brando would somehow make his character likable? For a second I thought I was watching Transformers, because it's the exact same fucking character. I actually liked the character, and I think Shia is alright, he's like a modern day Michael J. Fox, but some fucking variation would be nice. Even a little bit. Oh, and Indy tells some jackass kid about some idiotic question he asks after sliding 50 feet over the library floor on a motorcycle. No explanation is given for this, nor is any asked, the kid just wants to know the answer to a fucking Jeopardy question because he's the next fucking Ken Jennings. But Indy obliges and tells him the answer anyway, under duress of being killed for possessing a letter. Wait, did I mention that Mutt tells Indy he knows his mother Marion? You know, Marion Ravenwood? No, actually Mutt says Marion Williams, which makes no fucking sense whatsoever because he can't possibly be so stupid as to not mention the name she used while she and Indy were fucking in Nazi submarines. Of course he doesn't mention this, as it would ruin the surprise! Guess who the Russians have captured? Why, Marion of course! Somehow, they knew Indy would do whatever the fuck they wanted if lovely Marion were threatened with death even though he can't remember who the fuck she is in any capacity. But wait, Indy, later in the film you profess your never ending, undying love for her...fuck, my head hurts. Somehow Marion is bulletproof and drives a Russian car/boat thing while a sword fight between Natasha and Mutt occurs. Indy gets the skull back (yeah, the crystal skull of the film's title, the whole reason they went to South America...I glossed over that part because it's essentially irrelevant and really only serves as a vehicle to demonstrate how Mutt and Indy have a father-son bond almost instantly, although the part where Mutt asks Indy "You're a teacher?" is alright), but not really because giant ants appear...wait, I forgot the second dumbest part of the movie. Greaser monkeys. No, I am not making this up. Greaser fucking monkeys...who decide to help Shia swing from vine to motherfucking vine like Tarzan and catchup with the ensuing chase. Then for some reason the greaser monkeys attack Natasha, who by the way, is vigorously trying to run Indy off a cliff as he's driving his own vehicle. There's no real need for Indy to continue driving, he could just stop. Nope. Also, for some reason Shia, after commanding the greaser monkeys with his hair to attack the Russians (seriously, I am not making that up) he doesn't pick up a fucking gun, or use the 50 cal mounted on the front of the car Indy is driving. Why? For some reason no one is EVER hit by a fucking bullet in this movie. Ever. Indy kills a couple dudes, but never once is a gun used, by anyone, with success. Makes a lot of sense.

Then, after going down three waterfalls, no one dies. No one even gets a fucking scratch. It was here I decided that Indy must be immune to injury from the Grail! Of course! But why is he old? And why are four other people completely unaffected by insta-death by waterfall. Also, how the fuck did Indy's father die, since he should be immortal? The knight was something like 1000 years old, and he still looked alright when the temple collapsed on his head. Fuck, this is so stupid, so fucking stupid. Lead refrigerators that magically protect you from nukes, immunity to bullets, and what essentially constitutes the most rock-solid jaw in existence. Indy could take a billion hits from Mike Tyson to the face and never spill a drop of blood from his mouth. Why isn't he a prize fighter? 60 years old? He's swinging from bullwhips like no tomorrow. Fuck this movie seriously fuck this stupid fucking movie.

Anyway, Indy finds the Maya temple, returns the crystal skull, then Natasha shows up and gets turned into paste by the fucking alien, who just so happens to be a 13 part multidimensional being. Oh, and a flying saucer takes off, it was covered by the temple, I almost forgot about that part, but alas, I did not and it remains in my mind forever, emblazoned stupidity that I hope to purge with massive amounts of alcohol. Scrubbing my brain with bleach might be the only way to stop thinking about that fucking FLYING SAUCER. Holy fuck, what the hell was that? It makes no sense whatsoever. Oxley suddenly comes out of his idiot stupor to explain that shit to us, by the way. Because, you know, once again Lucas just wants to pound it into our skulls that he has this cool ass story and he thought of explanations for everything. Then Indy gets married. You know, during the whole film, I kept saying, this is fucking stupid, but I refrained from expressing my displeasure. I watched and listened and kept my mouth shut. But when Indy gets fucking married, no...I shouted "What the fuck?". The girl I was with laughed, and some other people in the theatre made similar remarks. No, fuck no goddammit no. That was just total fucking stupidity. And Mutt picking up the hat but having it taken away by Indy...wait, Lucas. Are you implying that, possibly, Shia might be the next Indiana Jones!??! Considering you destroyed a fucking badass franchise with one fell swoop, might as well pile it high on the shit sandwich for the next generation of movie-goers to swallow down. Fuck you, Lucas, fuck you. Seriously, this was so horrific words do not express the hate I feel. Fuck High Lord Lucas, Satan Incarnate.

I almost forgot the dumbest part of the movie: prairie dogs. They set the tone for this fucking turd in the first minute. It's like R2D2 in Sith all over again. You know, the part where he jumps out of the fighter (awesome CGI!) then spits oil all over the other droids and kicks their asses? Hahahaha oh wow, Lucas, hahahaha that was so funny I am a kid and I need to see stupid fucking CGI characters to be entertained thanks man! Fuck that asshole.

I haven't seen the new Indiana Jones movie, but from what I've heard about it, I shall destroy the Earth with a fiery sword of death.

I was born in 1974, which means I pretty much grew up with Star Wars and Indiana Jones. These two larger-than-life epic trilogies are linked together by one man (or should I say demonic humanoid): George Lucas. After Return of the Jedi, I waited 16 years for the next Star Wars installment. And by waited I mean literally thought about how fabulous and awesome a new movie would be. Not every day, but at least once a month, I would contemplate the shape of the next film. Summer 1999, my boss decides to be cool and sends me and a few co-workers to see Phantom Menace the morning of opening day. It was a little slow in the beginning, but tolerable. The jedi kicked ass almost instantly, which made up for the ludicrous speech of the CGI idiots surrounding them. Then, enter Jar-jar. How a single character can utterly fucking destroy 20 years of my life is incomprehensible, but it happened. I read articles on the internet soon afterward which explained Jar-jar's presence: High Lord Lucas wanted something to entertain his kids. Dumbass fucking kids who had stupid bit parts as Anakin's friends in the movie. Horrid, wretched "actors" with no talent and a billionaire dad who slowly morphed into a sociopathic lunatic. This was not your father's Star Wars, this was the Star Wars of the future. Of course I saw the next two movies, even though I knew they would suck. I actually got a little excited when Revenge of the Sith came out because I heard a rumor that Darth Vader fought with three lightsabres: one in each hand and one controlled by his mind, i.e. The Force. No, that did not happen. Also, what the fuck was the deal with Yoda bouncing around like he was in a ninja movie? Absurd and ridiculous. Conclusion: Lucas sucks.

Fine, Lucas fucked up Star Wars. The fact that he wouldn't even allow the original, unaltered films to be released on DVD really pissed me off even more. He tried to pass off those "better" CGI atrocities as what he envisioned back in 1977, finally relenting with a limited-release. A limited-release of the most popular series of films of all time. Does that make any sense whatsoever? Apparently, once you become a billionaire from something, you then have to pretend it sucked and tell everyone they're stupid for liking it, then try to pass off some awful bullshit as more artistic to fulfill some jacked up fantasy you had when you were failing out of film school. Dearest Satan's Helper Lucas, I get it. You suck. So, why'd you have to fuck up Indiana Jones? Three movies was fine. Raiders of the Lost Ark is just about perfect. It has action, a supernatural element, witty, intelligent characters, realistic villains, a plausible but fantastic plot and, best of all, no fucking CGI. Temple of Doom, while deviating somewhat from the Indy formula, is still pretty badass and a good movie. Dr. Jones proves to be marginally tougher, but still human. Oh, and no CGI. Last Crusade introduces Señor Jones, more Nazis, another Biblical artifact of epic proportions, cool stunts and visuals, and no CGI. Plus, the scene where Hitler signs the diary is great. Taking what is arguably the most hated individual in the past 100 years and putting him in a funny situation to rival the Three Stooges is not only hilarious, but genius-level comedy. WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT GENIUS GO, LUCAS? From what I've heard, the new Indy movie sucks. Reputable sources have expressed their displeasure with the film, which causes me near endless grief. CGI throughout, farcical plot as opposed to pulp action, and oh of course, an old ass Indy. I don't want to see Geriatric Jones, I want to see a two-fisted ass-kicker who beats the fuck out of Nazis and bangs hot chicks, teaching college courses on the side. That's it. Speak 13 languages, I can buy that. Getting dragged behind a truck? Cool. Finding the Ark of the Covenant AND the Holy Grail? Well, it IS Indiana Jones, procurer of rare antiquities. Fighting Russians during the Cold War? What? Ever hear of Détente, Indy? Even the GI Joe cartoons understood the concept. Jesus Christ, I am pissed. But I'm still going to see this festering pile because there is part of me that hopes for the best. That part that never grew up and still wants that sense of wonder I experienced when I saw those movies for the first time...thankfully, I can get really drunk now while I'm watching it.